


It’s a Joke (don’t hurt me)

by Bandom_Squirrel



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, Marriage, Mpreg, Multi, Polyamory, basically crackfic, basically self-insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-21
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28220019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bandom_Squirrel/pseuds/Bandom_Squirrel
Summary: Based on this conversation I had with my friend:“The last two men in your camera roll are your dads.”“That would be Dan Howell and Mikey Way. I guess Phil has been replaced.”“No, it’s like a four-way between Dan and Phil and Mikey and Pete.”“I don’t think the timeline of that works out.”“Shh, it’s an AU. Hence the mpreg.”“Ah, I’m gonna go write that now.”
Relationships: Dan Howell/Mikey Way, Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester/Mikey Way/Pete Wentz, Mikey Way/Pete Wentz, Past Gabe Saporta/Mikey Way/Pete Wentz (implied)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	It’s a Joke (don’t hurt me)

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a joke, but I accidentally put a lot of time and effort into this. Oops. Sorry for any typos, I’m slightly too ashamed of this to properly check.

It had been fifteen years since Dan Howell had last seen Mikey Way. Dan had been eighteen at the time and just beginning to accept his sexuality, and had gone to a bar on a night when his parents weren’t home. He hadn’t exactly been planning on hooking up, but in retrospect, he hadn’t been planning on the opposite either. 

Especially when he’d met Mikey there. Mikey was a few years older than him, and American, and in a band. Dan had never heard of his band, but it was going on a world tour and opening for a band he most certainly had heard of, and Dan had never met anyone cooler. They talked for about an hour before Dan suggested the go over to his place. 

Thinking back, he was fairly sure Mikey had mostly just hooked up with him so that his bandmates could sleep in the unoccupied bedrooms instead of on a tour bus, but Dan didn’t mind. He didn’t have any misconceptions of what it was, and didn’t expect it to be anything more than a one night stand. 

Mikey and his band had left the next morning, and Dan didn’t see him again until fifteen years later. 

However, a month later, Dan started getting excessive cramps, and about a week later, he unexpectedly vomited in the middle of a shower. His mother had asked him what was wrong, and he’d brushed her off, but couldn’t help his own feeling of dread. 

Dan hadn’t been too surprised when the pregnancy test he took came back positive, but he was still horrified. Male pregnancies weren’t too uncommon, but still held a stigma, and being a single, pregnant teenager who still lived with their parents wasn’t great for anyone. 

Dan’s life was officially even more of a mess, but there was nothing he could do but deal with it. 

~

Fifteen years later, Dan’s life was much less of a mess. He’d met Phil Lester eleven years before, and now they’d been married for five. His child was fourteen years old, and their name was Squirrel Howell. They’d come out as non-binary just a month prior, and both Dan and Phil had been very accepting. 

The three of them lived in a house on the outskirts of London, in a nice neighborhood with a good school. Dan had a successful career as a writer, despite never having attended university, and Phil was a successful film director. Dan knew that he’d been insanely lucky to have come this far, but it had also been the product of over a decade of hard work. 

That’s why when Dan was absentmindedly scrolling through Twitter one day and found that he had been DMed by Mikey Way, he froze in shock. 

Dan still remembered Mikey. At first he’d been endlessly angry at the man for knocking him up and then leaving, but he’d gotten past that. He’d never told Mikey he was pregnant, as Mikey hadn’t left any way to contact him, and now he couldn’t be anything but grateful towards the reason why Squirrel was in his life. He loved his child with his entire heart, and couldn’t imagine life without them. 

Still, he had mixed feelings as he opened the message. It had been years since he talked to Mikey, and he had never been the best at conversations, especially important ones. 

In short, the message described how Mikey had seen Dan’s name and face on the back of one of his books, and had researched him out of curiosity. He also said that they needed to talk, which implied to Dan that he knew. 

Before responding, Dan took the time to research a bit about Mikey as well. The band he’d been when Dan met him had never made it mainstream, but had built up a very devoted cult following. Apparently, they had broken up a few years ago, and Mikey now worked with his brother as a comic book artist. He had been married to a man named Pete Wentz for six years, and together they had a five year old son named Bailey Way-Wentz. 

Dan stopped short at the last part. Squirrel had a little brother. Oh god, he was going to have to tell them about this, wasn’t he? That he had found their father and they had a brother, and oh god. He had no idea how they would take it. He hadn’t even responded to Mikey yet, but it was already too much, and he abruptly closed his laptop and hurried into his bedroom, where Phil was lounging in the bed. 

“Phil, I need to talk to you,” Dan stated, closing the door firmly behind him. Phil looked up from his phone, which he seemed to have been playing a game on, his brow creasing. 

“What is it?” Phil asked, sitting up cross-legged and turning off his phone. Dan took a deep breath. 

“Squirrel‘s dad contacted me,” Dan blurted out, not sure if he should’ve eased his way into the conversation a bit first, although this was Phil, and he was used to Dan being tactless. 

“How’d he find you? And does he know about Squirrel?” Phil seemed the appropriate amount invested, though his tone was calm enough to help settle some of Dan’s nerves. 

“Apparently he read my book or some shit. And I- I don’t know! He said, well, fuck, I’ll just let you read it.” Dan pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened Twitter, taking a few moments to pull up Mikey’s DM before tossing it to Phil. Phil pursed his lips as he quickly glanced over the message, looking back up at Dan a few seconds later. 

“You haven’t responded yet,” Phil stated, and Dan could hear the obvious question in his words. Dan shook his head. 

“No, I haven’t. I didn’t know what to say, and I wanted to talk to you, and I dunno,” Dan sighed, pacing back and forth near the foot of the bed. 

“Are you sure it’s him? He has a very common first and last name,” Phil commented, and quickly Dan shook his head. 

“I checked his account, and yeah, it’s him. He’s older now, obviously, but I recognize him. Apparently he’s married now, and oh god Phil,” Dan explained, finally ceasing his pacing to sit down next to his husband on the bed. “He has a son.”

“So Squirrel has a younger brother,” Phil responded, and hearing it said out loud was somehow entirely different from simply knowing it was true. Dan moaned loudly and put his face in his hands, and a moment later Phil’s arm was wrapped securely around his shoulders. 

“How am I going to tell Squirrel, Phil? ‘Oh, your dad suddenly appeared out of the blue so now you have a little brother, surprise’? Fucking hell,” Dan lamented, groaning into his hands. 

“Shh, Dan, it’ll be okay. We’ll figure it out,” Phil reassured him gently, pulling Dan close against his chest, and Dan allowed himself to relax for just a few moments. 

~

“Hi.” Dan had contacted Mikey again, after another short conversation with Phil and still not saying anything to Squirrel. He’d agreed that they needed to talk, and included his phone number in the message, and jumped when his phone rang just a few minutes later. 

“Is this Dan?” Maybe Dan was kidding himself, but he knew for a fact that even if he hadn’t known it was Mikey calling, that he would’ve recognized him by his voice. Memories flooded back to him in a heartbeat, and Dan had to take a deep breath before saying anything else. 

“Yeah, it is,” Dan managed to answer, the quiver in his voice barely perceptible. “Hi Mikey.” It was strange how in the past fifteen years he’d stopped thinking of Mikey as a person, more of as some of mystical entity that came into his life unexpectedly, shook everything up, and then disappeared again. But now he was talking to him, and he seemed so very human, even just over the phone. 

“Hey,” Mikey replied, and there was silence for a few moments before he continued. “So I read your book. It’s pretty good.”

“Thanks,” Dan accepted, feeling part of his chest seem to glow in the way it always did when his writing was complimented. He didn’t usually like receiving praise about himself, but his writing was a different story entirely. “Which one?”

“‘I Am Not on Fire’” Mikey responded, and Dan was sure he should’ve been expecting that one. It was his most popular book, and it took by far the most direct inspiration from his life. “It was very flattering. Well, at least if I’m correct in my assumption that the character of James was based on me.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Dan confirmed, blushing. All of the sudden he had the distinct urge to find the nearest copy of that book and see exactly how he’d described Mikey in order to know how embarrassed he should be, but he repressed it. 

“So, does that mean…” Mikey trailed off, but the question was clear. Dan took a few moments to breathe, orienting himself and reminding himself that no matter how Mikey reacted, it would in any way take away from the success he’d built for himself. 

“Yeah.” Dan nodded, even though Mikey couldn’t possibly see. “You have a child. With me.”

“Damn,” Mikey said, his tone sounding breathless and empty, and Dan could relate. Everything seemed to be happening too quickly, and he’d give anything for this all to slow the hell down. “What’s her name?”

“Their name is Squirrel,” Dan informed him, briefly wondering why he’d assumed he had a daughter. Probably because he’d read Dan’s stupid book. “They prefer they/them pronouns.”

“Oh, okay. Alright,” Mikey replied, then paused a moment before continuing in a quieter voice. “What are they like?” He spoke almost as if he were afraid of the answer, and Dan supposed he would feel the same if he were in his position. 

“They’re perfect,” Dan stated simply. There was no better way to describe his child, really. “Squirrel’s really into P!nk, and obscure alternative rock bands, and they basically worship Green Day. They do really well in school and do Taekwondo twice a week and are already really invested in politics. They write a lot of short stories, even though they don’t let me read any of them, and they have an obsession with these cat books they always read. They’re tall and like wearing oversized hoodies and recently dyed their hair blue, and they’re amazing.”

“Oh my god,” Mikey breathed from the other end of the phone. “I have another child. And they have a life.”

“Yeah,” Dan agreed, and tried to imagine how Mikey must be feeling. He knew that he’d be pretty devastated if he’d missed out on the first fourteen years of Squirrel’s life. 

“Can I meet them?” Mikey’s voice was timid as he asked the question, as if he were scared that Dan would yell at him for even wondering it. Or maybe he was scared about something else. Dan couldn’t really tell. 

“Mikey,” Dan started, taking a deep breath. “I haven’t even told Squirrel you contacted me yet. They don’t even know your name, for fuck’s sake.” Dan immediately regretted his word choice when there was a moment of silence on the other end, holding his breath as he hoped he hadn’t just said all the wrong things. 

“I know,” Mikey said at last, his voice tight in a way that completely contradicted everything Dan had remembered about him. “And if you want to keep it like that it’s fine. But I’d like to meet them, so could you at least talk to them?”

“Alright,” Dan accepted after only a moment. It wasn’t fair to anyone involved if he kept putting off that discussion just because it was difficult. “I’ll talk to them.”

~

“Come in!” Squirrel called from their room a moment after Dan knocked, and Dan opened their bedroom door and stepped inside. 

“Hey.” Their room was still as messy as last time he’d come in, probably even more so, but he refrained from mentioning it this time. Squirrel sat on their bed, headphones hanging from their neck as they looked expectantly towards Dan, their laptop half closed on the bed in front of them. 

“Hey,” Squirrel replied, crossing their legs underneath them. 

“So I need to talk to you about something serious,” Dan told them, walking further into the room and closing the door behind him. Squirrel’s demeanor subtly changed at his words, their eyes widening for a second and their posture growing slightly more rigid, with an expression that Dan recognized as one of them mentally trying to figure out what they could’ve done wrong. 

“Okay,” Squirrel said simply. Dan sat down on the corner of their bed, going over what he was about to say for the millionth time in his head. 

“I just wanted to tell you,” Dan began, taking yet another steadying breath. “I talked to your dad.” That hadn’t exactly been what he’d meant to say, but he’d completely forgotten what he meant to say, so his words came out rushed. Squirrel just looked confused at his outburst. 

“About what?” Squirrel asked, and Dan took a moment to wonder how the hell they were taking it so well before realizing that they must’ve misunderstood what he’d said. 

“No, no, not Phil,” Dan corrected, although some part of him still felt a natural sort of glee that Squirrel could so comfortably refer to Phil as their dad. “Your biological dad.”

“Oh.” Squirrel’s face fell and they froze, except for how their fingers started rapidly tapping out a rhythm on their knee. Dan waited for some sort of telling reaction, unable to read the expression on his child’s face. “I thought you said you didn’t know who he was.”

“I didn’t. Well, at least I didn’t know how to contact him, or much about him. But he read one of my books, and he contacted me yesterday,” Dan explained, and Squirrel nodded, their face still blank. 

“What’s his name?” Squirrel questioned quietly, their eyes growing wide as they looked towards Dan imploringly. 

“His name’s Mikey Way,” Dan answered, then hesitated. “Well, at least it was when I met him. It has been fifteen years, and he’s gotten married now, so his last name might’ve changed. A lot about him had changed, actually. I just remembered him as some American guy with dark hair and glasses who was in a band, but now he’s some sort of comic book writer and married and blonde, so I don’t know how much of what I do know about him is accurate now, so I don’t actually have much else about him to tell you. Not that you asked, but-“

“Wait,” Squirrel interrupted, their mouth opening incredulously. “Mikey Way? Like, the Mikey Way? From My Chemical Romance?”

“Yeah, that was what his band was called,” Dan confirmed, furrowing his eyebrows. “How did you know that?”

“Dad!” Squirrel cried out dramatically. “I’m like, obsessed with My Chemical Romance! I must have mentioned that at least once!”

“I am one hundred percent positive that I would’ve noticed that,” Dan objected, and Squirrel sighed in a put-upon manner. 

“Okay, so I’m not as obsessed with them as I am with like, Green Day, P!nk, Cobra Starship, All Time Low, Set It Off, The Hush Sound, Blink-182, so, okay I’m obsessed with a lot of bands, including My Chemical Romance! Maybe I haven’t mentioned them by name, but, oh, I specifically remember mentioning Gerard to you once. He’s their lead singer and Mikey’s… Oh god, he’s my uncle. Oh god, that’s weird. I mentioned him in the context of…” Squirrel’s face abruptly went completely pale. “Oh no no no no no.”

“Holy shit, you totally did,” Dan realized, remembering one of Squirrel’s rants that he’d only been half listening to. “I guess I didn’t realize the Gerard from a band you mentioned was the same Gerard who slept in my parents’ guest bedroom.” It was then that Dan realized that Squirrel was still repeating “no” under their breath, and that he should definitely address that. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Oh my god. Dad,” Squirrel groaned. “Are you sure Mikey’s my dad? Because oh god, oh god, I’ve read fanfiction about him! Multiple times! Oh my god, ew ew ew ew ew.” Dan decided to save the conversation of what fanfiction Squirrel should be reading at their age for later. 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Dan assured them, and Squirrel actually facepalmed. “Is it really that bad?”

“So much worse!” Squirrel answered immediately, then paused as they seemed to realize something. “Wait, why did Gerard Way sleep in your parents’ guest bedroom?”

“Well, funny story, actually,” Dan started, although it really wasn’t much of a funny story. “I was still living with my parents when I met Mikey, and he was on tour with his band. And since he was staying the night, he asked if the rest of his band could sleep in the unoccupied bedrooms so that they wouldn’t have to sleep on the tour bus.”

“Oh my god,” Squirrel repeated for at least the sixth time in that conversation. “Mikey Way totally used you to get him and his band out of sleeping in a tour bus and you totally fell for it.”

“I didn’t fall for it, exactly,” Dan defended. “I just didn’t really care.” Squirrel gave him a look, and he continued. “Look, I was eighteen, and he was one of the first guys that ever expressed any interest in sleeping with me for any reason. I took it.”

“Ew, ew, ew. I don’t want to think about that,” Squirrel squealed, squeezing their eyes shut. Dan could understand that. He didn’t particularly want to think about his own conception either. 

“Alright. But there’s some other serious things I have to tell you about this,” Dan transitioned, then took a deep breath as Squirrel looked up at him. “Like how you have a half brother.”

“Oh,” Squirrel said softly, going quiet again. They looked down at their hands in their lap, seeming to think that piece of information over for a second before looking up again. “What’s his name?”

“His name’s Bailey Way-Wentz, and he’s five years old. Mikey didn’t tell me anything else about him, really,” Dan responded. “Your dad’s also married to a man named Pete Wentz.”

“I think I knew that last part,” Squirrel commented, nodding blankly. “But okay. So I have a dad and a brother that I didn’t know about. Okay. Wow. Okay. Yeah.”

“Your dad had also expressed interest in meeting you,” Dan informed them, trying to keep his voice as neutral as he possibly could. “I said I wasn’t going to give him an answer until I talked to you about it, though.”

“So my biological dad wants to meet me, and Mikey Way wants to meet me, because they’re the same person,” Squirrel summarized, staring at their hands distantly. “Oh god that’s weird. But yeah. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I’d like to meet him. Yeah.”

~

It was two weeks later when Dan was sitting at the kitchen table, his fingers tapping nervously against the wood service. Phil was sitting next to him, which was one of the only things keeping him sane, and Squirrel was sitting on the couch in the lounge, which was directly adjacent to the kitchen. They were focused on something in their phone, but shot a glance towards the front door every few seconds. 

Mikey, Pete, and Bailey were coming over that day. They were flying in all the way from America to meet them, and the closer their arrival came the more anxious Dan felt. He’d offered to meet them at the airport, but Mikey said it would probably be easier for them to come over to their house, which Dan had quickly agreed to. Now, he was starting to regret it, as the more time there was before seeing them, the more stressed he became. 

Phil placed a hand on the fingers Dan was tapping with, silencing the incessant noise and offering Dan a reassuring smile. Dan felt himself relax. He didn’t have a need to be worried, if he thought about it. Mikey was a nice man, and this would work out perfectly. Even if it didn’t, he had a nice life with Squirrel and Phil, and they didn’t need anyone else, not really. 

It was at that moment that Dan caught sight of a car pulling up outside their house through the kitchen window. His entire body tensed and his heart rate sped up, but he forced himself to take a deep breath before shooting a hopeful smile at Phil and standing up. He paused when he was closer to the door, not sure to open it then or wait until one of them knocked. He didn’t want to look through the window again, not wanting them to see him and think he was just staring at them. Hell, he hadn’t even seen any of them, just the car, what if it wasn't even them?

His internal dilemma was solved when there was a knock on the door. With a final deep breath, Dan took another step towards the front door and opened it with shaky hands. 

“Hi,” Dan said before he had time to think, because the moment he did think his brain seized up because there was Mikey. The same Mikey he’d been infatuated with fifteen years ago, and who he’d talked on the phone with multiple times over the last couple of weeks, but at the same time completely different. He looked different than he had in the picture Dan had found on the internet, and even more different than he had looked fifteen years before. 

For some reason, it wasn’t until that moment that Dan’s mind finally connected this Mikey who was Squirrel’s father and who he’d been talking to on the phone with the Mikey he’d found insanely attractive as a teenager and had had his first ever positive sexual experience with. Immediately after that realization came the realization that he was even hotter now than he had been, which caused a whole flurry of confusion and made Dan blush. 

“Hey,” Mikey replied, and Dan realized he’d been staring wide-eyed at Mikey for the last few seconds in what must be an insanely creepy way. He tore his gaze away from Mikey’s face then, and belatedly noticed that he wasn’t alone. Another man, who Dan assumed was Pete, stood next to him, as well as what was possibly the most adorable child Dan had ever seen, with the exception of what Squirrel had looked like at that age. 

“Hi,” Dan repeated, this time directed at Pete, and generally felt like an idiot. “So, my name is Dan. And, um, I-“ thought I was prepared for this but it turns out I most definitely was not “-am glad to meet you.”

“Hey Dan,” Pete greeted cheerfully, the only one out of them who was smiling. “My name’s Pete, I’m Mikey’s husband, nice to meet you too. Love your accent by the way, dude.” Dan was fairly sure that was a compliment, so he smiled and nodded awkwardly. He looked back to Mikey to see that Mikey was staring at him the same way Dan was sure he was staring at Mikey, which is to say as if he was seeing a ghost. 

“Hello!” Then, like the saving grace he had always been in Dan’s life, Phil appeared, with a bright greeting and a warm smile. He wrapped an arm around Dan’s waist and Dan leaned into him reflexively, already feeling some of the anxiety start to ebb away. “I’m Phil, Dan’s husband.” Phil pulled Dan close a moment after speaking, leaning in to surreptitiously whisper into Dan’s ear. “I’ll take care of them. I think Squirrel needs you, they’re in their room.”

“I’m going to go get Squirrel,” Dan announced to Mikey and Pete. “Phil can show you inside.” With that, he slipped out of the doorway, making his way down the hall to Squirrel’s room with about two million thoughts racing through his mind. 

“Squirrel?” Dan called softly, opening his child’s bedroom door and stepping inside. Squirrel was sitting on their bed, shaking and breathing heavily as they tapped out a rhythm against their knee. “Are you alright?”

“N-no. I, I’m not sure if I’m ready for this,” Squirrel answered, inhaling sharply after speaking. “I just, I didn’t realize how anxious I was about this until right now.”

“I understand,” Dan sighed, sitting down next to them on the bed. “This is a lot harder for me than I expected too. But Mikey’s a nice man, Squirrel, and he’s really excited to meet you. I know you’ll like him, but even if you don’t, it doesn’t matter.” Dan paused to smile reassuringly. “You really can’t fuck this up.”

“Thanks dad,” Squirrel replied, taking a deep breath and sitting up straighter. “I can’t believe this is really happening.”

“Me neither,” Dan admitted. It really didn’t feel real, more like some weird fever dream that moved way too quickly. “You ready?”

“Yeah, I am.” Squirrel nodded, swinging their legs off the bed and crossing their arms over their chest. They still seemed anxious, but with a determined set to their jaw. 

“Alright then,” Dan stated, standing up and holding open the door. “Come along then.” The two of them walked out of Squirrel’s bedroom together, and Dan mentally prepared himself for seeing Mikey again, especially now that he knew what effect the other man had on him. 

“That’s a very lovely jacket, Bailey.” Dan walked into the kitchen to see Mikey, Pete, Bailey, and Phil all sitting at the kitchen table. Phil was talking to Bailey, who was grinning and seemed to have shedded his previous shyness. “You look like a very handsome young lad.” 

“My uncle Gee bought it for me!” Bailey exclaimed happily. Dan knew he should probably enter the room, rather than just spy through the doorway, but watching Phil interact with a child was such a precious sight that he couldn’t help but enjoy it for a few extra seconds. Judging by the way that Squirrel seemed to be folding in on themself, they could also probably use a few more moments. “He likes buying me gifts.”

“Well that’s very generous of him,” Phil told him seriously, smiling amusedly at the five year old. Mikey also seemed to be smiling at his son, and Dan would have stayed focused on that for much longer if Phil hadn’t looked up and saw him at that moment. “Ah, there they are.”

“Hey again,” Dan greeted, stepping fully into the room and sending Mikey and Pete an awkward smile. “This is Squirrel.” Squirrel followed him into the kitchen, hugging their arms tighter against their chest, staring at Mikey in an expression of pure shock. Mikey was looking back at them in much the same way, and shakily rose to his feet.

“I, uh, I, I-I,” Squirrel stammered, and Dan would’ve reached out and hugged them if he didn’t think it would make them uncomfortable. A ‘Squirrel.exe has stopped working’ joke came to mind, but he wisely kept the thought to himself. “Y-you’re my, uh, my dad.”

“Yeah,” Mike breathed, blinking and seeming to partially break whatever weird trance he’d fallen into. “I don’t know how to even begin saying everything I want to right now. You’re my child. You’re real.” 

“You’re real,” Squirrel repeated, then they were suddenly running towards Mikey and enveloping him in a hug. Mikey seemed startled for a moment, then smiled broadly and hugged back. Dan found himself so overfilled with emotion that he had to look away, instead looking towards Phil, who seemed to be looking at him as if to gauge his reaction. 

“You’re beautiful,” Mikey told Squirrel after they pulled away from the hug. “Or whatever adjective you want to be described as. You’re dad’s told me only a little about you, but I already know that you’re special, and amazing, and perfect, and I am so, so proud of you, and so, so glad to finally meet you.”

“Oh my god,” Squirrel said heavily, and Dan could see the glisten of tears streaming down their face. “Thank you so much, it’s just that, oh my god, this is actually happening.”

“Are you my new big sister?” Bailey had climbed out of his seat sometime during when Dan was focused on Squirrel and Mikey, and was now looking up at Squirrel with curious eyes. 

“Sibling,” Squirrel corrected immediately, leaning down to be closer to Bailey’s level. “I’m actually not a girl, so I’m not your sister.” While Squirrel continued to explain how gender worked to a very open-minded five year old, Dan felt himself sag slightly in relief. Looking up from his child, he met Mikey’s gaze, and they both smiled. 

~

“Ugh, enough about politics,” Pete complained. They’d all spent the evening talking and catching up, and Squirrel and Mikey seemed to get along better than Dan ever could’ve hoped. He’d realized about an hour in that he didn’t have a plan for dinner, so Phil had ordered pizza and now they were chatting while they ate Dominos. Somehow the topic of conversation had turned to world politics, although Dan wasn’t quite sure of exactly how. “We know, Americans are stupid and all of our human rights are constantly on the line. We should talk about happier things, dudes.”

“Squirrel, your dad told me you write stories,” Mikey stated, not even blinking as Pete pulled an onion off the piece of pizza Mikey was holding. Dan had noticed fairly early on that Pete and Mikey were a bit more comfortable with PDA than he and Phil were, and on top of that Pete was just a bit odd in general, hanging off of Mikey much of the time. 

“Yeah, I do,” Squirrel confirmed, blushing slightly and taking a sip of their soda. Dan felt a surge of pride in his chest, the same way he always did when Squirrel’s writing was brought up. There was something amazing about having his child share one of his passions with him. 

“What do you write about?” Mikey asked, and Squirrel but their lip, seeming to consider the question for a few moments before answering. 

“All sorts of things,” Squirrel replied, cracking their knuckles in a gesture Dan recognized as what they did when they were nervous. “I mostly write short stories about whatever I think of, and they’re pretty different from each other. Like, I wrote one serious one that was about the different parts of this girl’s mind fighting for control, but also this kind of funny one about a group of gay ninjas, which was just as stupid but also a lot less stupid than it sounds. I also write a bit of fanfiction, too.”

“That sounds really cool. Can I read some of them sometime?” Mikey requested, and Squirrel nodded eagerly. 

“Yeah, sure!” Squirrel agreed without hesitation, grinning widely. Dan nothing short of squawked, a bit taken aback by their answer. 

“You don’t even let me read your stories!” Dan said indignantly, and Phil actually laughed at him, looking up from where he was helping Bailey put a straw in a juice box. Dan wasn’t sure how the role of looking after Bailey had fallen onto Phil, but that just seemed how things had naturally happened. 

“You can read them, I just keep forgetting to send the links to you,” Squirrel excused, rolling their eyes as if Dan was being irrational. This was far from a new argument. 

“Sure,” Dan drawled sarcastically, and both Mikey and Pete were visibly suppressing laughs. Squirrel scoffed, and Mikey interjected before the situation could escalate any further. 

“What do you write fanfiction about?” Mikey asked, and Squirrel’s demeanor changed instantly as they laughed awkwardly and looked down to their plate. Dan wasn’t sure of why. 

“Mostly about this book series I really like, called Warriors, it’s about feral cats. I also write some about bands I like,” Squirrel explained, their cheeks turning slightly pink, and Dan wasn’t sure what about that was embarrassing. 

“What bands?” Squirrel looked back up to make eye contact with Mikey, and apparently which bands they liked was an acceptable conversation topic. 

“Oh, bands like Green Day, Cobra Starship, All Time Low, The Hush Sound, bands like that,” Squirrel explained, seeming to choose which bands they admitted to liking very carefully. Mikey seemed to light up, well, as much as Dan had ever seen him emote happiness, and smiled. 

“Hey, did you know that my old band went on tour with Cobra Starship once?” Mikey asked, clearly trying to prove that he was a cool dad, not that that wasn’t the case. 

“Oh yeah,” Pete recalled, even though Dan was fairly sure that the question had been directed at Squirrel, not him. “That’s Gabey’s band, right? He's a, um, talented man.” Pete smirked as he spoke, and Mikey rolled his eyes. Dan was fairly sure that he didn’t want to know the story behind that. 

“Yeah, actually, I did know that,” Squirrel answered, drawing the attention back away from Pete. “I’m actually, um, kinda a little bit of a My Chemical Romance fan.” They seemed very embarrassed to admit to that, and Dan could partially understand why that was. 

“Seriously? That’s really cool. Do you have a favorite song?” The more Mikey spoke, the more Dan was able to distance him from the man he’d been fifteen years before. He seemed much more open, less mysterious and more friendly. 

“Hmm, I’d probably say You- no, I Never Told You What I Do for a Living,” Squirrel decided, and Dan wondered if they changed what they were going to say because they didn’t want their dads to know the title of their actual favorite song. Dan then had to remind himself that Mikey was also her dad now, not just him and Phil, and he’d obviously already know the name of the song, and that whole train of thought made him feel weird. 

“That’s a good one,” Pete agreed, although Dan was once again pretty sure that no one had asked him. “My favorite is Summertime.” An instant later, both he and Squirrel were singing “you can run away with me, anytime you want” and laughing. 

“That’s probably my second favorite off of Danger Days, right after Planetary,” Squirrel disclosed, and Dan almost missed Mikey’s subtle smile due to how blinding Pete’s grin next to him was. 

“You are a child with spectacular taste. I respect that,” Pete told Squirrel solemnly, and they smiled, obviously holding back even more pride at that statement. Dan did suppose it was something to have a former rockstar’s husband tell you that he thought you had good music taste. 

“You know, Gerard’s gonna flip when he hears you’re a My Chem fan. That band was his baby,” Mikey said to Squirrel, smiling in a reserved sort of way that looked good on him, not that Dan was thinking about that. “Is this a new interest, or…”

“Eh, I’ve been a fan for a few months. More than two weeks, if that’s what you mean, but I’m relatively new in the fandom,” Squirrel revealed, then threw a quick, overdramatic glare towards Dan. “Though it was more than enough time for my dad to tell me that my literal father was in the band I liked.”

“I told you, I didn’t know you were frickin’ obsessed with his band,” Dan defended immediately, continuing when Squirrel opened their mouth to argue. “And mentioning Gerard once in a rant that I thought was about a Cobra Starship fanfiction doesn’t count.” Squirrel closed their mouth and frowned. 

“You’ve read fanfiction about Gerard?” Pete asked seriously. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I know what those are like.” Squirrel nodded sadly and Mikey just looked baffled. 

“You read fanfiction about Gerard?” Mikey asked Pete, who now looked much less apologetic about it than he had a moment before. 

“You don’t?” Pete sounded genuinely surprised by that, raising his eyebrows as Mikey shook his head disbelievingly. 

“I’m done,” Bailey announced very suddenly, despite the two half slices of pizza still left on his plate. “I’m bored. Can I watch Paw Patrol?” He drew the word “bored” out into about twelve syllables. 

“Sure, I can put something on the telly for you,” Phil offered. Bailey giggled. 

“I can put something on the telly for you,” Bailey mimicked in what Dan took to be his best impersonation of a British accent. It was pretty dismal, and he found himself holding back laughter as Mikey widened his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Mikey apologized to Phil, who seemed to also be holding back laughter but with a lot less success than Dan. “Bailey, it’s rude to make fun of people’s accents.”

“I wasn’t making fun of his accent,” Bailey protested, seeming confused at why he was being scolded. Dan had to double his efforts not to burst out laughing.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine,” Phil assured Mikey, a giggle in his voice that Dan found absolutely charming. Phil then refocused his attention to Bailey, smiling goofily. “How about I bring up Paw Patrol for you?” 

Something about the way everyone seemed so relaxed and downright happy in that moment made Dan have the sudden realization that this was working out. 

~

“It’s pretty late, would it be easier for you to stay the night? We have two spare bedrooms.” Dan blinked at Phil’s suggestion. It was almost eleven thirty, and Bailey had fallen asleep on the couch. Squirrel had joined him in watching TV about an hour before, and became oddly invested in shows targeted towards a much younger audience. Dan knew they had a messed up sleep schedule, but even they were starting to look really tired. 

“Sure,” Mikey agreed, seeming completely nonchalant, and Dan wasn’t sure why that made his heart skip a beat. “If that’s not too much trouble.”

“Of course, we’d love for you to stay,” Phil assured him quickly. Phil was washing the dishes, and by that Dan meant he was putting the dishes in the sink for Dan to do. Whatever, he’d do them the next day. 

“Okay. Pete and I can get Bailey to bed, and then we can help to clean up,” Mikey offered, and Pete frowned for a moment at being volunteered against his will before grinning. 

“Or, we could bring out the grown-up drinks afterwards?” Pete said hopefully, and honestly, that sounded really good at the moment. 

“That sounds like a great idea,” Phil agreed, echoing Dan’s thoughts exactly. “Ooh, I got some new rosé recently that I’ve been wanting to try out.”

“You mean the Hello Kitty bottle?” Dan asked incredulously, and Pete immediately burst into giggles. Dan had had some sort of classy wine in mind, but the corner of Mikey’s mouth was tilting up, so maybe this was good too. 

“Yeah,” Phil confirmed with a smile, seeming slightly confused but remaining cheerful. “We’re gonna get Hello lit-ty.” Even Phil cringed hard after he said that, and Dan shoved him so hard that he stumbled. 

“That’s it. I wanna divorce,” Dan stated, although his voice came out more fondly than he had intended for it to. Phil pouted at him.

“No!” Phil whined, dragging the one syllable out for multiple seconds too long, looking at Dan with these wide eyes that Dan had always been entirely too suceptible to. 

“Alright, alright,” Dan sighed, ignoring Phil’s smug smile. Mikey and Pete were watching them with matching expressions, hard to read but seeming positive. Pete had his arm around Mikey’s waist, despite being a good bit shorter. “Let’s get the kids to bed first.”

~

“No no no, not like, you short. Like, one inch tall, or small enough to fit in a belly button. It’s like, a sexy thing.” Phil’s eyes were extremely earnest for what he was talking about, and he was gesticulating wildly as he spoke. Dan wasn’t sure how they had gotten to this point. 

Well, that was a lie. They had gone straight through the first bottle of wine and had just opened a second one, and they were all seated around the kitchen table giggling excessively. They’d had an oddly long and serious argument over how seriously anime should be taken (in which Phil had sided with Pete over him, the traitor) and it was now just last one in the morning and Phil was trying to explain that he hadn’t been calling Pete short, he’d just been referring to one of his favorite inappropriate topics. 

“Phil, can we get through one conversation with friends without you bringing up macrophilia?” Dan groaned, but wasn’t all too upset. He was feeling really good in that moment, his head slumped against Phil’s shoulder, and he wasn’t even feeling weird about how his feet were tangled up with Mikey’s under the table. 

“I didn’t bring it up! Pete did!” Phil accused indignantly, gaping as if he were utterly shocked by the implication that he would do such a thing. Dan giggled. 

“No I didn’t!” Pete protested adamantly from across the table, then pursed his lips in consideration. “Or maybe I did. Honestly I forget.” Mikey nodded seriously, his expression looking earnest, and Dan couldn’t tell what he was agreeing with. 

“You’re all ridiculous, the lot of you,” Dan announced, although his voice came out more playful and less annoyed than he’d intended. 

“Ridiculous, the lot of you,” Mikey repeated in a completely shitty British accent, and Dan suddenly knew exactly where Bailey had gotten it from. This time, he didn’t even try to contain his laughter, and he and Phil were giggling profusely. 

“Was that a British accent?” Dan asked breathlessly, and Phil was all out wheezing at this point. “Sorry man, but that was utter shit.”

“Mine’s better than Pete’s,” Mikey defended casually, not seeming too bothered by the insult. Pete, however, seemed entirely scandalized at the insinuation that there was something he wasn’t talented at. 

“That’s blasphemy,” Pete accused, bringing his hand to his chest in what Dan hoped was mock horror. “I can do a killer British accent.”

“Alright then mate,” Phil challenged, leaning forward on his elbows and smirking expectantly across the table at Pete. “Prove it.”

“Alright then mate, prove it,” Pete mimicked, and immediately both Dan and Phil burst into helpless laughter. Mikey had been right, Pete’s was somehow even worse.

“That was, that was,” Dan wheezed breathlessly, not able to finish the thought between giggles, although he was fairly sure he got his point across. Pete crossed his arms and pouted. 

“That’s not, that’s not fair,” Pete slurred inarticulately, waving a pointing finger vaguely in Dan and Phil’s direction, creasing his brow in concentration. “You have to do an American accent.”

“Bacteria,” Phil said immediately in a very robotic voice, eyes completely earnest. Dan had to admit his American accent was as shit as Mikey or Pete’s British ones. Everyone accept Phil dissolved back into giggles at that, and Phil seemed confused at why they were laughing but eventually joined in. 

“Okay,” Pete started after he’d finished laughing, transitioning surprisingly quickly from giggling helplessly to fixing Phil with a serious look. “How do you feel about all this?”

“How do I feel about all what?” Phil asked, still visibly having to force himself to not grin. Dan would’ve kissed him right then if they had been alone. 

“This whole thing,” Pete answered vaguely, waving his hand around in the air. “The whole ‘our husbands fucked and had a child so technically we’re like family’ thing.” Dan felt himself flush at that, though he wasn’t sure of exactly why. It’s not like they’d been pretending that Squirrel happened any other way. 

“Well,” Phil said carefully, seeming to think over each of his words before he said them. Dan knew that he only ever did that for important things. “I really just want whatever’s best for Squirrel and Dan, and whatever makes them happy-“ 

“Fucking cop out,” Pete cut Phil off mid sentence, scoffing and basically climbing on top of the table. Dan almost scolded him out of habit before remembering that this was a grown man and not his child. “Let’s say that theoretically you don’t give a shit about how anyone else feels, just for the sake of the question. How do you feel about all this?”

“Honestly, I’m really happy that Squirrel is meeting their dad. I expected to almost feel jealous about that, but I’m not. I really like you two, and Bailey is adorable, and I’m really glad that we’re sort of like family now,” Phil revealed after a few moments, and Dan smiled at the answer, stretching his fingers to intertwine with Phil’s under the table. 

“Good,” Pete replied with a grin, and Dan was barely able to keep up with what happened next. In a swift motion, Pete had slid across the table on his knees, taken the front of Phil’s shirt in his hands, and kissed him. Dan’s jaw actually dropped. Surprisingly, the first thought that came to mind was less of a ‘don’t touch my man’ thought and more of a ‘god that’s hot’ thought, but he’d deal with that later. Phil had kind of frozen, apparently as shocked as Dan, and when Dan looked over at Mikey, he was rolling his eyes and smiling fondly. 

“Pete! You can’t just kiss people without asking,” Mikey chided, and Pete pulled away from Phil, who still seemed to have not yet processed what the fuck was happening. Dan could understand the feeling. 

“Oh, right. Sorry dude,” Pete apologized, smiling easily as if there were nothing at all weird about what he had just done. Dan was a second away from laughing, if only from shocked confusion. “This okay?”

“I, uh, I, um, what?” Phil articulated, and alright, maybe some of the urge to laugh was also from amusement at the utter bewilderment on his husband’s face.

“I probably should’ve warned you. I knew there was about a sixty percent chance he’d do that,” Mikey said apologetically, and something about the situation made Dan was again hyper aware of how his feet were tangled with Mikey’s. 

“What the hell is going on?” Dan asked, as it became obvious that Phil wasn’t capable of saying anything at the moment. Perhaps because Pete’s hands were still fisted in his shirt. Dan was so utterly bewildered by all this. 

“I mean, we’re two hot dudes, you’re two hot dudes, and Mikey and Dan have obviously been eying each other all night, don’t even try to deny it, so this makes sense, right?” Pete offered, and Dan felt himself flush, opening his mouth to defend himself before realizing that any efforts would be futile. “So, why not give this a try? Only if you want to, of course.”

“I, well,” Phil started, throwing a look towards Dan, and the two of them proceeded to have a very detailed conversation through facial expressions. 

Phil raised his eyebrows slightly. What do you think?  
Dan bit his lip and nodded subtly in Mikey’s direction. I mean, Pete wasn’t wrong. 

Phil blinked and pursed his lips. That doesn’t answer the question. 

Dan tilted his head up a little and made steady eye contact. Well what do you think?

Phil smiled softly with just his lips. I’m all in if you are. 

And maybe it was just the alcohol, but Dan sat back and grinned. Then let’s do it. 

“That’s really freaky,” Mikey pointed out, and Dan shot a glance towards him, smirking cheekily. Phil ignored him, looking at Pete. 

“Alright then,” Phil said, and Pete grinned at him, the action almost blinding. “Why not?” Not a moment after Phil uttered those words, Pete was diving back in to kiss him again, and Dan found himself unable to look away. Phil didn’t freeze this time, seeming to have expected it, and their movements were entrancing. Dan would’ve just stared for much longer if he hadn’t felt a foot hook around his calf, and he looked over to see Mikey smirking at him, and okay, maybe this would be really fucking awesome.


End file.
